Are you a soldier in the mommy wars?

    Sue Hutchison at the San Jose Mercury News says that while the current wisdom states that the Mommy Wars never existed, there is indeed tension between working-for-pay-moms and SAHMs. And she used the polite but definitely heated debate we SV Moms just had about nanny poaching as an example of that tension. Hutchison says that while the two sides are approaching detente, peace does not yet reign in the trenches of parenting.

    What do you think? Tell us below, and tell Hutchison here.

Comments

[Amanda Cowan]

I personally have nothing but the highest respect for a mommy who works outside the home (or stays at home but works from home also). I sometimes don't know how I manage to get what I get done during the day and can't imagine getting the same stuff done AND getting myself and my child to daycare (or nanny) and work. My mother worked while we were growing up, and I have a lot of friends who work. It's amazing the strength needed to be so many things all at the same time. I'm a mommy all the time, with some small amounts of time as just "Amanda" or "a wife"..but mostly I'm "mommy". I can't imagine needing to be "Amanda", "mommy", "co-worker", "boss", "wife", etc, etc.. So as far as I'm concerned not only is the war over but I've conceded defeat. I may not sit on my tush eating bonbons and drinking cosmos all day but I certainly feel like the grass is greener on my side (at least in terms of feeling stretched too thin etc..). I hope that make sense in showing the respect to WAHM's and working moms that is intended...

[Pamela]

I have been a stay at home Mom for almost 12 years. I respect any decision a Mom makes. I do recall alot of hype over the Mommy wars years ago. As a Mom, my biggest war is with myself- competing with my own expectations. I think S.V. is one place that the working, part time working, and non working Moms are at peace. There are so many other issues to deal with !

[Beth B.]

There is defintely not a war, but there are tensions. The type of tensions I see are just because of the pressures to get things done. For example -it seems that there are always one or two parents that do the main volunteering in their child's class. I am sure many more want to - but either have younger kids or work. I have been on both sides, last year I was part of the head room parent team and this year I work so my time is limited. How about the parents that do all the work for their girl or boy scout troups?

And what about in preschool when you are trying to make playdates for your kid with other kids in the class. If you are a SAHM, how do you feel about having a playdate if the nanny brings the child over? I had a nanny with my first son when I was working almost full time. Now I work at home, so I support playdates with nannies for my kids. But it is more fun to chat with the mom of the child? Probably...

Situations like these are what I feel create some tension between working moms and sahms.

[stephv]

I posted this recently elsewhere (again)-but I thought it really fit here..
I think we women are our own worst enemies. The "perfect mom" is born out of trying to outdo one another. We can yadda on about "poor self esteem" and "guilt" but who is imposing it? The friend who you think does things effortlessly or the inner voice that says "I'm not good enough."Everyone has issues-that person with the supposed seamless talent may have a substance abuse issue or financial issues or..something. Stuff happens to us all.You can't judge a book by its cover; push aside the gossamer of image and there exists a person with the same hang ups (or more)as anyone else. You are (good enough);and then some.The people who notice your label or whether or not the cookies are store bought or homemade are..bored.And boring.
Mommystuff..the big ole' bad media laps it up like a Retriever drinking water on a hot summer day. Lets give 'em something to talk about. And we do.

[Tekla Nee]

Personally, I don't think the wars can be really said to be over until people can stop talking about how right their choice was for them, as in "Oh, yes, other choices are fine for other people, but I know I personally made the right choice for me", and instead moms can say "I knew that whatever I chose I'd be making tradeoffs, and probably either choice would have worked out, some days I think one way would have been better than the other, but I won't ever be sure." Great article in a recent Columbia Journalism Review called "The Opt-Out Myth" that talks about the way our current society structure forces women into one role or another, but then once ending up there the women blather on about the "choice" they made because it saves their sanity to feel that they had a choice.

[Kim]

I mentioned this topic to my sister who, formerly of the Bay Area, now lives in Boise. She said that there's much less tension there and attributes it to the cost of living being less in Idaho. In SV, to buy a decent house in a decent neighborhood you have to have both parents working, unless one of them makes enough to cover it all. So she feels like it really is more of a choice there (to work or not) because you CAN buy a house and raise a family on one income, if you wanted to.

I have friends that fall on both sides. One who works, but doesn't want to and I end feeling guilty because I don't have to. I have another friend who works because she needs the intellectual stimulation and I end up feeling like my brain's going soft if I don't get back in the game. Sheesh. You just can't compare, which I think is probably the root of the "wars."

[Nicole/wksocmom]

While I might not call it an out-and-out war, I think judgment does exist for SAHM vs working moms. I know as a working mom I sometimes dream of being home, especially with my kids are at school, and having many hours to myself and not trying to balance what needs to be done for the homefront and also for the workfront, not just time but in my brain. But while I might feel envy, I really try not to judge. I also know that most of the time it’s a case of the grass is always greener and I realize I have plenty of benefits to working. I am also the main breadwinner in the house so I don't feel I really have a choice.

I have read comments on moms groups and other areas with phrases like “I’ve decided to raise my own kids so I stay home” or “if you would put your kids first rather than a big house of fancy car you could stay home.” There was a recent discussion in response to a horrible incident at a daycare where a child died. Many of the responses centered around - “that’s why I stay home”. If someone is staying home because they are afraid their child might die at daycare, to me that implies those of us who use daycare are basically putting our child’s life in danger in order to work. It does not feel supportive even if that's not what they really meant.

Especially with the internet where you can remain anonymous people seem to let their true feelings show.

[kate sanford]

IMHO a lot of it comes down to the metric that you use to determine "how you are doing," and where you GET that metric. I'm a little bemused by women who seem to derive their personal metric by looking to see what their neighbors/park-mates are doing. Like, sorry to be rude, but who the hell cares?

On the other hand, my personal metric comes from being raised on a farm by a mother who helped bale hay, grew her own veggies, did all of her own canning, made her own bread, and made our clothing. Holy Sh*t! THAT's a lot! However, I know EXACTLY what I'm trying to live up to as well as why I'm doing it. I also pick and choose the stuff that will make me feel good to accomplish (e.g. I will never can anything. I'm convinced that the pressure cooker will explode on me. There is no way in h*ll that I will make clothing for my child, and the one time that I knitted somethign for my kid, I did it for two days and then blew it off!)

I remember down to my toes what felt great to have around me as a child (and what I value as I grow up.) I try to give stuff like that to my kid.

It makes ME feel good, and it reminds me of my own childhood.

However, it's cheaper and quicker to write about women railing against the judgment of others than it is to ask them what they loved about their childhood and how they're providing it, now..... isn't it Sue?

[Kim]

I recently had a conversation with another work(for pay) mom --- and her POV was excellent. It's not that we should try to find the "right" answer, rather we should be at peace with what's "right for us". To all of the women who came before us...they wanted to grant us the freedome of choice, Now we have the choice to work-for-pay or SAHM.