A Holiday Wish List for Single Moms

I've seen the post and all the comments on being raised by a single mom but how many of you have ever been a single mom? I was -- for 15 years (divorced when my daughter was 2, re-married when she was 17). It was a tough but gratifying experience. I raised a kind and witty daughter who's well-mannered, stable and poised.

It wasn't easy. I didn't take naps. I didn’t take yoga classes. There wasn't a nanny (or grandmother). My daughter was in daycare from 6 weeks old until she was old enough to ride the bus and let herself in the house after school. She had to forgo a lot of after school activities because I couldn't pick her up. My career choices were impacted by putting my child first. I couldn't go jetting off on sales calls without paying big bucks for a babysitter or begging a favor from a friend. Sometimes I paid more for a babysitter than I made. I couldn't volunteer at school during school hours. I didn't buy that stupid frozen food for her fundraisers because you had to pick it up at 2 pm on a Tuesday afternoon so that SAHMs didn't miss their tennis matches.

There’s a lot of guilt and worry that you’re not good enough at anything or everything. I fell short on lots of things. I didn't read to her as much as I wanted, mostly because I usually fell asleep once I put my head down. We ate a lot of cheese quesadillas and broccoli for dinner. One time in kindergarten her contribution to the class “Mother’s Day Cookbook” (favorite recipes dictated by the kids) was “Regular Soup” as in “open the can, heat in the microwave and enjoy.” Under "Religion" her Facebook entry says "I went to the Church of Saturday Night Live." That's because we didn't go to church much and stayed home to watch the videotaped show from the night before (the truth is besides not really liking the whole church thing I also had a hard time watching all the Barbie, Ken and the kiddy families all lined up in the pews looking happy and shiny).

I also had many Christmases to be both mom and Santa. Those were some lonely and dark times. I'd go shopping on my lunch hour, hide the presents and stay up until the wee hours wrapping stuff as quietly as I could then hide the packages as not to spoil the whole Santa thing. I'd even buy myself a few gifts and wrap them up so that my daughter would believe that Santa brought both of us presents. For years those were the only Christmas gifts I had. We'd open them and then go to the movies on Christmas Day. Sometimes we were lucky enough to be invited to dinner with friends. One time our holiday meal was at Waffle House.

It’s even harder to be a single mom in an affluent area because sometimes you’re the only one in the neighborhood, class or country club. Even so, I know you all must have single mom friends so I thought that I'd speak up for them and offer a holiday wish list for moms who rarely put themselves first...

• Offer to watch her kids so she can run holiday errands.
• Volunteer to wrap the presents and hide them at your house.
• Invite her to your holiday party, even if she doesn't have a date. It gets really old not being included in a social life that is primarily couples. A lot of married women are afraid of single women (they think they're predatory). Please...not every divorcee wants to steal your husband.
• Invite her to share in your family's holiday celebration. Chances are 50% of the time she's had to pack up the kids to visit their dad and she's alone (try doing that some Christmas -- wake up by yourself feeling like you're the only one in the whole world who's not happy and celebrating). Don't let her watch ANY holiday movies. It makes the holiday blues worse to watch all those sappy stories about running into your high school sweetheart and falling madly in love again Furthermore, there's a good chance the septic tank guy or the dude you bump into with your shopping cart isn't going to star in your own holiday romance. Watching happy family movies make you feel really inadequate. Gag me with a candy cane.
• Take her something to un-wrap -- it might be the only thing she gets.
• Offer to take her kids shopping, even if she has to bankroll the trip herself. Kids want to give their mom's presents and ex-husbands probably won't be stepping up to take the kids to the mall.
• Take some pictures of her with the kids. It's hard to have family photographic memories when you're always the one holding the camera.

Above all, remember that you might be a SAHM with a nanny, happily married to a VC or techie entrepreneur, rolling in Google stock and living in a multi-million dollar home but you never know what the future holds. Don't look down you nose at single moms. Next Christmas you could be one