A Dear SAHM Letter
I am pretty sure I am a good mother, I do the best I can. I do juggle work and raising a family - but I think I do it well and it works for my family. That is most days, not every day, sometimes I am haunted by flippant remarks you make, sometimes cruel and even judgmental. I play it over and over in my head, the stinging comment you say, always with a smile on your face. I can always think of a better come-back, a funnier response, oh and in my head I am always dressed better. Often though I wonder why you would say such things to me, I would never say these things to you.
Do you remember last year I donated a gift basket to an auction for your school? My company actually donated the basket, a large selection of products we make - the basket was worth about $150.00. I did not know you very well, but I was happy to donate when you asked me to. We have talked on occasion at local events and such, I have enjoyed your company, until you made that comment. You came to my office to pick up the gift and we started discussing school, homework, you know the "Mommy speak" we do. If memory serves me right, I think I was complaining (shocking I know) about my son's work load at school and a project I forgot we needed to do. Your response (and yes I am quoting) was,"OH, my children get really good grades, I make sure the homework is always turned in, but I have the time to do that since I am a stay-at-home mom. That is my job."
Ouch! Um, what does that mean? Your response was not even relevant to what I was talking about. Since I work am I not a good mother? Why throw that little "jab" out there? Whether I worked or not I would not, could not be you, I am not the parent that sits around all day with flash cards, work books, graphs and Spanish immersion tapes to ensure my son gets into Stanford. I am glad that works for you, have a good time. I would never pump my chest out and brag about my accomplishments, and things I could do because I worked. I think my response was, and I am pretty sure it came out more like one long word with no pauses and no breaths, it just came out in one long word, "mychildrengetgoodgradestooit'stheirjobokayineedtogetbacktoworkbye!" I mean take the basket, say thank you and hit the road.
And I guess at school it is pretty much known who works and who doesn't. I must have a big red "W" on my chest, or word must have spread fast. I am not sure if it is because I show up dressed-up (that would be jeans, a turtle neck and boots) or the fact that I do not spend every waking moment on campus. How did you know I worked? And speaking of my dress, must you comment on the days I am not dressed up? Must you point out that today I am wearing the "mom clothes"?
And another thing, when I signed up to be room mom this year for my daughter's class and you insisted we share the job, because, "I know you can not handle the job alone, since you work and all.". Yep, 8 parties, collecting money for events and coordinating field trips, stop me while I drool and rub my finger up and down on my lips, waaay too much work. You even went so far as NOT telling me about the Room Rep meeting - I had to find out about it from another mom. You told me you assumed that I could not make it since I "worked and all". Don't make me give you the Assume speech.
Better are the days I don't drop-off and my husband does, the next day I get the questions and inquires from you, "Oh, you are here today, we never see you around. I just thought you were working." or "Why are you here today? Your husband is usually picking up....since you work so much." Again, why the jabs, and who is this we, you and the other SAHM's or do you have a frog in your pocket?
And if I may, if you say to me one more time, "Oh I could never leave my children with anyone but me." or "I could never trust a baby sitter to watch my kids, like YOU do." I may go postal. For the record, my children are very well adjusted and love their sitter - she does things with them I would never even think of doing. I am happy I work, my kids are happy I work - I also love having the flexibility to be around for some, if not all events at school. Since you stay at home and go to every single event, every single field trip and always make home made cookies, that does not give you the right to look down on me. I am happy you do these things, I mean what would we do without you? Seriously, my daughter did not know cookies could be made in the oven.
I guess my biggest question is why do you feel the need to judge me? Are you questioning your own decision to not work? Does making me feel bad make you feel better? I would like to acknowledge for the record, It is hard to stay home, it is hard to work at home, it is hard to work outside the home (full-time or part time) - being a parent is hard. And you do not know me very well, I have been a stay-at-home mom, a work-at-home mom and I am not a full time working mom - so please stop assuming you know me. You do not know me.
So, next time you want to judge me for working, take a long hard look at yourself. Realize I made a choice, just like you made a choice. I am not judging you.......yet.
Original post at svmoms. Jamie can also be found rambling on about working and raising her children (though not judging, not judging) at JPD Mom.
We are sometimes our own worst enemies. On behalf of all non-critical SAHM's I apologize.
Posted by: debh | March 19, 2008 at 07:01 PM
I am a stay-at-home mom and am appalled that this one Mom would speak in such a way to anyone- no matter your working status! I know for a fact you are probably dressed better than me : ) and even though I stay at home, my son struggles in school, doesn't get the best grades, and at times I'VE forgotten he had a homework assignment, too. Many of my working mom friends have it way more together than I do (or so it seems)! I must say I admire the fact that you just haven't gone off on that Mom yet!
Steph
Posted by: Adventures In Babywearing | March 19, 2008 at 07:47 PM
Oh please...Stop being so defensive! Believe it or not, most SAHMs are NOT judgmental of moms who work outside the home! Maybe the moms don't get to see you as often and are happy to see you at the school and that's why they comment? Maybe when the mom made a comment about you not being able to handle all the room parent responsibilities on your own she was just trying to be kind and help out...lots of classes have more than one room parent anyway. That SAHM just might be trying to be thoughtful of another mom - don't create drama where there is none.
Posted by: Carol | March 19, 2008 at 07:51 PM
As a mom/teacher who has one foot in the working world, one foot out, it's always good to be reminded of the other side. Thank you for the post. Call it a hunch, but I think you are going to get quite a few passionate comments on this one! ;-)
Posted by: Smiling Mom | March 19, 2008 at 08:01 PM
A few months ago, I decided to lessen my consulting hours so I could be around for my mom, who was undergoing chemo. I told a SAHM (friend) that I will now be picking up my children from school, since I am no longer working in the afternoon. She turned to me and said ... and I quote...
"Well I am sure the kids will benefit A LOT, now that you are around. It is so important for children to be with their mother's after school".
Ouch!
I will never, EVER forget this comment.
I have been on both sides of the fence ... working outside the home and SAHM.... it is a no win situation. You will ALWAYS get backhanded comments...
I wish people would just THINK before they talk, and sound like a royal ass...
Posted by: Jill Asher | March 19, 2008 at 08:06 PM
People can be so mean. There is a chance she was just trying to go that extra mile but I don't think so. And I say that as a SAHM. I will say I have totally felt the return of that. How nice it is that I am willing to sacrifice my personal up keep (hair coloring, wardrobe, nails) so I can take care of my kids. I also have had working moms make comments about those of us who can't balance it all. Now as far as taking care of my kids and husbands as being my job, I have to think about it that way or my ego would kill me but that doesn't mean all their work is my job (I homeschool so school projects are my job but you know what I mean;). Can't we just respect each other ( I am not saying you don't, I am speaking globally)? There are some working moms who realize that I do many things that they can't due to time and they value that. I value the fact they have the companies and money to make donations;).
Posted by: NerdMom | March 19, 2008 at 08:10 PM
I'm confused... Is this letter to one specific person who is irritating you, or is it to all SAHMs? If it's the former, I hope and pray that you are not letting her give all of us SAHMs who are not at all rude a bad name. If it's the latter, ummm, ouch.
Posted by: Toddler Mama | March 19, 2008 at 08:11 PM
Wow, this woman seems really intimidated by you. I am a part-time working mom and do the best I can with my little one. I had a classroom (working) mom say to me "wow, I don't know how you stay-at-home-moms do it" and I looked at her and said, "I don't know either". So, it goes both ways...your's is pretty extreme. Chin-up. She's obviously jealous.
Posted by: LP | March 19, 2008 at 08:16 PM
I am always just amazed when I read this kind of stuff--I really have no idea which parents at my boys' school work and which ones don't, unless their company is in their e-mail sig line! I've been some version of a hybrid at-home-slash-working-mom for five years, as a freelance writer who usually also has one part-time job on top of that, so I guess I have just never really fit into either camp. I'm usually home during the day, but not really available. And I know better than to make assumptions based on what people are wearing--after all, I'm the mom who sometimes drops my kids off in yoga pants, then runs home and changes into "work" clothes, and the next day drops the kids off in my "nice" pants and heel boots even though I don't have to go anywhere to work, just because all my yoga pants are dirty! I also have never been able to go to all the field trips or volunteer a ton in the classroom because I have kids of varying ages and that makes it difficult. I can honestly say, though, that nobody has ever gotten an attitude with me about my work status either way. Maybe they just can't figure me out?
Posted by: Meagan Francis | March 19, 2008 at 08:16 PM
I have to say that it really bothered me to see you address your letter/post to "SAHM Moms" in the plural. The woman you are describing has a problem, and I can understand why she bothers you. However, by addressing your issues with her to SAHMs in general, you're feeding into the working mom/SAHM battles. You're acting as though all SAHMs act in this way, which is far from the case.
Posted by: CK | March 19, 2008 at 08:34 PM
It always amazes me that working moms get so defensive when a SAHM judges them. If you are happy working and YOUR KIDS are happy with you working, then why do you care what someone else thinks? Maybe things aren't as great as you make them out to be?
Posted by: Kim S. | March 19, 2008 at 08:46 PM
For someone who is so upset about being judged, it seems to me that you're doing an awful lot of judging about SAHMs. I mean, "I am not the parent that sits around all day with flash cards, work books, graphs and Spanish immersion tapes to ensure my son gets into Stanford." and "I do not spend every waking moment on campus." and "Since you stay at home and go to every single event, every single field trip and always make home made cookies,"... I would say that you don't understand what a SAHM does and she doesn't understand what an Employed Mom does.
I hate to say it and not to overblow the situation called "Mommy Wars" but I think we need some dialogue between the two "camps" similar to that done by some to bridge the gap in the racial divide in this country. I think we have a Mommy Divide.
I understand that you're defensive, and I wasn't there and have never met this SAHM, but many of us are too damn busy to be baking cookies or spending all day on school campus. Why, I'm lucky that I can get done the things I need to for my kids and my home, not to mention having a career of my own that I do from home (when I'm not baking cookies and spending all day with flash cards, that is).
Personally, as a SAHM, I admire you for being able to juggle work AND kids AND home management and everything else that comes with being a mom. And I wish that moms everywhere would respect other mothers' decisions whether to work or stay at home. I was heavily involved in my career before having my children and chose to be a SAHM. My husband and I have made sacrifices in order for me to do this. It was our decision. I would never impose my decision on another mom, OR make her feel bad.
Posted by: Cheryl Wenzel/New Mom Central | March 19, 2008 at 10:47 PM
I just realized the link in your Dear SAHM was to Like Merchant Ships and I REALLY hope she isn't the one that was making you feel that way??????
Steph
Posted by: Adventures In Babywearing | March 20, 2008 at 04:35 AM
Wow, I'm glad that CK caught the plural on "Moms" -- so you really are directing this vitriol toward all of us SAHMs!
As a SAHM, I'd like to share with you that plenty of offensive comments are made to us SAHMs, too. Working moms often ask me how I keep from going crazy at home, how I intellectually stimulate myself, how I can afford my house (my kids' clothes, my gym membership, etc.) without working. I've had friends and family ask me why I bothered to go to college and graduate school if this is "all" I'm going to do with my life. So, I find myself getting treated like I'm poor and stupid on a regular basis.
I agree with another poster that the aggressive tone of your post doesn't invite dialogue at all. At least I know better than to think that all working moms think like you!
Posted by: Toddler Mama | March 20, 2008 at 05:00 AM
Women can be catty and insecure. They then turn their insecurity into power tripping over their own little corner of the universe-be it a job or becoming the uber volunteer. The media going nuts over the "mommy wars" is well deserved-because women create their own drama. How many men do you see comparing volunteer hours or job responsibilities? Some stereotypes fit. Meow.
Posted by: stephv | March 20, 2008 at 07:21 AM
I really wanted to sit this out and wait till the comments died down, however I have make a few things clear. This is not a letter to all SAHM's (please, I would have no friends) this is a letter to ones that have said these things to ME. These were all cruel remarks that I obsessed over and felt bad - you know guilt thing? Also - some of them have been said more than once. I never said my life was perfect, and I acknowledged how hard it was - working or not. For the record, I would not judge these other to other mom's, who do so much more than I do - yet they judge me. I was not linking to another mom who said things either - just a blog about being a SAHM. Oh - and the flashcards.....yes one mom who said these things to me, SHE does that :).
Posted by: Jamie R Lentzner | March 20, 2008 at 08:01 AM
I think your letter is a good reminder, for everyone. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and I hope that we all try to NOT take the ignorance of one person so personally. It's hard. I know. I'm a SAHM and even other SAHM don't like me, either ;o)
Posted by: Liz | March 20, 2008 at 08:01 AM
So, wait--the SAHM blog you linked to is NOT one that has given you a hard time personally?
I guess if I were the author of that blog I'd be feeling a little attacked.
Posted by: Meagan Francis | March 20, 2008 at 08:29 AM
As a stay at home Mom I am a bit offended that you wrote to SAHM, not that particular woman. She just sounds like a bitch, and may be that way if she worked too. There are lots of SAHMs that really that just want all parents to be happy- working or not. I personally am a room parent with two working Moms. We all share the job quite well. Posts like this just add to what the media loves, moms bashing moms. I am sorry that you had this experience, but please do not malign us all! My take is that we all do what works for our family.
Posted by: pamela | March 20, 2008 at 08:35 AM
My bad....sorry linked to wrong blog - no not the woman (women) who have said these things to me. Please forgive - removed the link....should not write late at night.
Posted by: Jamie R Lentzner | March 20, 2008 at 10:28 AM
Great post. I'll never forget the time someone said to me, "Oh, I never realized you worked because your kids seem fine." It's the stuff that's meant to be a compliment that really makes my jaw drop.
Posted by: svmom3 | March 20, 2008 at 10:43 AM
Jamie, I'm so sorry I missed this post yesterday! Are you trying to break my record? (-;
You know I've heard the comments too. And I understand why you used the plural in the title - more than one SAHM has said these things to you, right?
I actually had an (ex) friend call me a bad mother because I worked. I had written something for the Washington Post about how working made my life balanced in a way staying at home couldn't and she got all defensive and went on the attack. So, no, you aren't creating drama where there is none.
And I think it's clear that you know not everyone is like that. Of course there will always be bitchy people on both sides of the aisle. I'm sure my SAHM friends have heard hurtful comments from working moms too. But that doesn't mean that we can't all work to be nicer and less judgmental. If no one ever talked about this stuff (like you're doing in the blog post), we'd just maintain the status quo.
I obsess about those comments too. It's always those little offhand remarks that we can never forget.
Posted by: Lawyer Mama | March 20, 2008 at 11:01 AM
We all make difficult decisions, and choosing to stay at home is a difficult one. Like the decision to work, this decision comes with a lot of guilt - not contributing to the family bank account, not being a productive member of society, "wasting" that MBA I spent all that time and money on, and even setting the example that dads work and moms don't.
I'd guess that these particular moms feel like they have to justify their decisions to you - the moms who "do it all." Or maybe she is just obnoxious and wants to make herself feel better by belittling others. Either way, some people are just not worth all this bitterness.
Posted by: JennieB | March 20, 2008 at 11:17 AM
Jamie, I am sorry about the nasty comments and snide remarks you have received. But when your post is titled "A Dear SAHM Letter" and you address your letter to "Dear SAHM Moms", it is difficult to believe that you are not attacking all SAHM's and not generalizing, even just a little bit.
Posted by: bonggamom | March 20, 2008 at 11:20 AM
It's a woman thing - it's what we do - it's despicable, and very sad - but it's everywhere. I am a SAHM and comments like you received disgust me, as do those I have received from working moms who say things like 'what do you DO all day?', or 'oh, I could never stay at home, I have to use my brain' - pooey to the lot of them - all we can do is choose how we react to them, and adjust how we let them make us feel :)
Posted by: Annie | March 20, 2008 at 12:30 PM