I'm ok you're ok

Without going off on a total existentialist rant about the meaning of reality, I am going to put it in Steph V terms-we all see/hear/are offended by things differently. Face it and move on. Don’t crawl under a rock because your cousin twice removed made a crack about your crappy tasting banana bread (Probably gluten free-there-I am “projecting.”) The world will not come to an end because your kid told your kindly old neighbor that she smelled like “the kitchen at my school.” You will cringe, but you will live.

Way back when I got my M.S. in Counseling, I quickly figured out that the social service life did not fit me. My inner get-over-it attitude would probably land me the title of shrink-from-hell. That being said, I have found my calling as a headhunter. Assuming that all of my clients are not psychotic (although there are days..) but normal neurotics like me, I forge on. I have learned, truly, there are two sides to every story. The overpaid executive that everyone despises is a vulnerable, lonely soul whose work is his life. The interview that Candidate X told me was “excellent!” was met with a lukewarm response from the company. People process things differently. Simplistic statement? Perhaps. But all of the gets incredibly murky when you meet the person who must have you see things their way. You can talk until you are blue in the face to this person and they will not be dissuaded until you accede to their political or religious or whatever opinion. They are suffering from the “need to be right” syndrome. Move on. It’s not your problem that they are a zealot. We all have a right to believe what we want, and to not be harangued. Equally exhausting is the individual who personalizes everything. In my job, an exchange may go like this “Sorry, it looks like they are not going to move into the second phase of the interview’ “Why not? They don’t like me? Am I too talkative/ugly/dumb/boring etc?’ “No, they promoted from within.” And on it goes-all of my subsequent conversation will be putting a verbal salve on the wounded ego. I have had people call me crying in the bathroom, telling me about their divorce or kid with a major drug problem. On the outside, these people looked like well-put together execs-it hurt to hear them talk. the hackneyed expression of not judging a book by its cover applies here.

I have had to gently draw parameters with them and tell them that I wasn’t their shrink, but to get one. Clarity. Unfeeling? No. I knew my limits within the context of our work together, and I expressed it. It worked.  The more people personalize, the more insecure they are. The funny thing is, the world keeps spinning and the “offender” probably didn’t even think he was “offensive.” It takes a thick skin sometimes-and a realization that underneath the trappings that a big salary may bring, there can reside a very sad and lonely person. Everyone has a story-everyone has some sadness somewhere. Pick up, move on and keep looking for that job, cookie. In the Darwinian game of business, don’t let the cracks show. I feel a kinship with bartenders and stylists-I hear all the stories. Again, what have I learned? One person’s job from hell is another’s dream career. Subjectivity is the new buzz word. I have also learned that underneath all of the material trappings, Mr. Bigshit breathes the same oxygen that I do, and I am not impressed.

The subjectivity of the human experience allows all of us to see life through a crazy kaleidoscope of perception. My sense that my Day Glo Crocs may be my statement of high fashion for the day-you may cringe. That’s ok. Just don’t curl up in a fetal position if I say that. I could care less about your Manolos or whoever is in fashion-wear them with joy!

That being said, there is a lot to be said for civility – eloquence is a huge personality asset. But we as women tend to dance around the subject with polite little smiles and question mark upward inflections at the end of our sentences. Uh uh. Doesn’t work. Say what you mean-while realizing that the other person should do the same. However, her  perception of a topic is tinged by her life. The lens through which she views the world will probably not be the same. Great. If she feels the need to judge, so be it.  In the meantime, my friend Barbara (who dislikes Barbra Streisand) and I spar. She thinks she’s crazy for leaving the extra “a” out of her name. I think she’s nuts for focusing on a character flaw of a genius. She is my friend. I am not offended. And I spell her name as she wishes. 

Original post to Silicon Valley Moms Blog.

Comments

[pamela]

Loved this post. "People process things differently". I will try and remember that one. I applied your post to a recent falling out that I had with a friend. Enjoy your crocs. I like the live and let live attitude of this post..of course that is just my perception!

[Cheryl Wenzel/New Mom Central]

Applause. Loved it! :)

[kathy]

Great Post!

[Amy@UWM]

Great post. At my job, our HR department offers a course where you take a personality test to see what kind of personality you have and learn how to deal with other personality types. It was probably the most valuable lesson I've ever had. Really helped me to see that people come at things from all different perspectives. I often wish everyone could start their adult lives having taken that course. It should be a pre-req in college.

[Daisy]

In the teaching business we say, "Perception is reality." The hard part comes when the public perception is wrong, and it's a major challenge to correct it.

[Liz]

There's a great lesson, here - thanks for the reminder!