blackballed

Not too long ago, my husband C and I learned of something perplexing.  There was a big party being held in Monterey by very close friends of ours -- people who are, for the most part, our best friends, and my husband and I were not invited.  Almost everywhere we went, people asked us if we were going to the party (it was a weekend thing), and we smiled and said no.

Meanwhile, with each passing question, I grew more and more hurt.  And, we continued to see the party hosts on a fairly regular basis, and hadn't heard a peep about the party.  Clearly, our invitation was not lost in the mail.

Finally, I could stand it no longer.  We were having dinner at our friends' house, as we tend to do every few weeks, and I acted a bit bitchy.  The host caught on and asked my husband what is going on.  My husband explained, "Well, Rebecca is a bit tired of being asked if she is going to your party next weekend.  She is running out of excuses and doesn't understand."  The friend, whom I'll call P, said, "I'll call her tonight."

When P did call me, he gave me this explanation: C and I were not invited because it was a weekend involving people sharing close living quarters (sharing a large house) and a different couple in the group didn't want us there.  In fact, they apparently didn't want us there strongly enough that they made it clear that that if we came, they would not.  Because apparently they hate us so much that they refuse to be with us, ever.

Not since junior high had I received such news!

The most perplexing thing about it is that we have almost no interaction with this couple.  I went to college with them, but we graduated college almost 20 years ago.  I did date the husband very briefly freshmen year, but it was for less than a month, we were 18, and we broke up on perfectly fine terms.  The rest of the years in college, we had many mutual friends and I thought we were always cordial, even friendly.  The wife in particular shares many of my closest friends.  And as to my husband, he has had many 10 run-ins total with this couple in his entire lifetime.   

I can't even fathom the basis of their antagonism towards us.  It's not like we did business together and had something uncomfortable happen, or have our children at the same schools, or live near each other in San Francisco, or anything.  Out of the 3000 people in my Outlook contact file, neither this husband or this wife even have a place.  If I wanted to call them, I would have to dial 411.  If I wanted to email them, I would have to contact a mutual friend for their email address.  Over the past 2 years, I have seen this couple once, and I thought our interaction was friendly.  ("How are you?  Your kids are so big now!" etc.)  When I think about it, I have run into them intermittently over the past decade, but I thought it was always friendly -- brief hellos at weddings, football tailgate parties, kids' birthday parties, engagement events, college reunion, whatnot.  To think that they were harboring ill will for so long, and I didn't even know it!  Plus, the ill will isn't mutual.  We have no gripe with them.  I would label them "acquaintances" at worst and "casual friends" at best.  Certainly not enemies!

I mentioned to our friend P, the party host, that for the life of me I can't understand why we are such an abomination to that couple that they have to exclude us.  I said that we rarely interact.  I asked him if he knows the basis of the bad feelings.  P insisted that he does not. 

I mentioned that we have tons of mutual friends, so it seems so strange that they would feel this way about us.  Thinking out loud, I did comment that we have so many mutual friends, but we do rarely see that particular family out and about.  The party host P said, "Now you know why: they never attend parties when they hear that you and C are going!"

I was honestly speechless.  For numerous years, we have had someone who actively hates us, avoids us, and encourages people to exclude us, and we didn't even know!  Granted, I don't expect everyone to like me, but readers: have any of you dealt with such a bizarre concept of another family working hard to blackball you, and you don't even have any idea why, much less know how to apologize for missteps you clearly made in the past but never knew about?

Of course, I did explain that by caving to his friend's request, our friend was explicitly choosing them over us, so really, his excuse was highly unsatisfying.  He seemed surprised to hear that.

And perhaps what most upsets me about this interlude is that my children were ultimately deprived of a fun weekend party with other kids they  enjoy, all because one particular "grownup" couple can't get over whatever hostility they have towards my husband and me in order to allow our children to be friends and us to share two days under the same roof.  When my daughter asks me why we weren't at the weekend party with so many of her friends, what am I supposed to say?

Sigh.