Gay marriage: this time it's personal

I have a relative who lived an entire lifetime--married, raised three kids to adulthood, finally retired.  Several years ago his wife died after years of chronic, debilitating illness.  Some time later, he went on a diet, lost 100 pounds, moved to South Beach and--now in his 60s--came out of the closet.

At my wedding nearly 14 years ago, I remember wondering how it felt for our gay friends to attend so many weddings, buy so many gifts, celebrate with so many friends, yet not have the same right in return.  "Always a bridesmaid, never a bride," one wryly put it.

Four years ago, when Mayor Gavin Newsom made the brilliant, historic, if politically suicidal decision to authorize same-sex marriages in San Francisco, I watched as friends and colleagues fled their offices and homes and half-eaten lunches in a thrilling, madcap race to get hitched before they woke up and discovered, like Dorothy, that it was all just a dream.

And now many of my gay friends have children, and, even with domestic partnership protections, they have had to make decisions that no one should ever have to face: who gets to be the "legal" parent.  Who has to give up parental rights.  What to do if, God forbid, there is an emergency and they have to explain to harried hospital staff that they really do have the authority to make medical decisions for their child.

And as my friends get older, and as they plan for their futures, their retirement, their estates even, they have to make decisions about inheritance and providing for their partners and children and friends, and hope that their wills and wishes will be honored when they die.

I used to have a sort of romantic view of gay marriage--that it was a symbolic validation of a person's right to love who he wants.  And I still believe that.  But as I get older and watch my gay friends continue to struggle with issues that most of the world takes for granted, I realize that I completely missed the point.  It's more than a symbolic validation.  It's a leveling of the playing field--not just for love, but for good health, and safety, and financial and emotional security.  You know: life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness--that sort of thing.

And so while I understand that some people are uncomfortable with the notion of homosexuality (whatever, enough already), I have completely lost patience with the argument that their discomfort is even remotely equivalent to the searing inequalities that gay people face without the legal protections the rest of us take for granted. 

The California Supreme Court did the right and honorable thing yesterday.  We need to move past this absurd fixation with other people's bedrooms: past the rhetoric, past the judgment, past the selfishness of bigotry masquerading as piousness. 

It's not a "lifestyle choice."  It's just life.

Original Silicon Valley Moms Blog post. Susan Etlinger writes about autism and special needs parenting at BabyCenter's MOMFormation and at her personal blog, The Family Room.