What's My Name Again?

When we got married, before kids, when there was a clear line in my life between work and home, my name decision was easy. I kept my maiden (I hate that word, around here I usually say "real name") name at work and took my husband's last name for all home and family related things. This remained until my daughter was six months old and I quit my job, leaving my maiden name behind in the process.

Years before I had kids, I knew I wanted to share a last name with them and not a hyphenated name because my husband's last name is long enough on its own. I'm already worried that our kids will run out of spaces when coloring in letter bubbles on Scantron tests. Maybe those tests aren't even used anymore, but still, the name is long, which is especially clear as I help a five year old learn to write it. Long ago I was struck by an Anna Quinldlen column where her son told her that she wasn't one of them because she did not share their last name. I wanted to be apart of the same team as my kids, I just didn't realize what difficulties that would mean for me.

I was a reporter, which doesn't easily accommodate a name change. My contacts knew me by my maiden name and most importantly, my bylines were all in my maiden name. Beyond that, I didn't think I had any bond with my real name. Imagining my mom with her maiden name and not the last name that I know her with is a little like imaging a completely different person. Using my husband's name somewhat symbolized the next stage of my life: motherhood.

When I quit working, switching over to my husband's name was easy. My driver's license and other important documents had been changed when we were married, which made my email address the only name-related change I needed to make. I didn't think anything more about it except at times when people would ask about the origin of the name. I've always quickly answered, "English. It's my husband's name." The last line should have clued me in to how I really felt.

Now that my kids are slowly needing me less and less, I am ready to reclaim parts of my old life, including work. This is where my name issue has not only tripped me up, but made me fall flat on my face. Naturally I went back to using my maiden name, although not completely. I still used my regular email address for writing contacts, but would sign with my maiden name, which probably confused people. It confused me. Decision time did not come until last month when I needed to order business cards. Getting the name in print was as good as having it in stone. I went with my maiden name. And I got a second email address.

My husband laughed when he first saw my change and while he didn't have an opinion on which name I chose, he thought the mere act of change was...silly. His point was that I should pick one and go with it by using it all the time, regardless of situation. I wish I felt the same. It's complicated in ways I cannot fully explain, and maybe this is sexist, but in ways I cannot explain to a man. I've been a mom for five and a half years, but I've been me for 37 years.

Now when asked my name, I frequently go blank after uttering my first name, producing an awkward pause as if am trying to go with one name, like Madonna, when really I am trying to remind myself whether I am in writing Kim mode or mom/home Kim mode. I briefly worried that I'd be in one of those situations where a doctor would ask me easy to answer questions to determine the extend of a head injury, when clearly I'd fumble around and fail. Hopefully this is just a rocky transition and I'll get it all figured out before my kids head off to college.

Original Silicon Valley Moms Blog post. Kimberly mangles her mom and writer roles at Tippy Toes and Tantrums.