Control is an illusion

I have learned a lot in my years of parenting. How to worry, how to worry less, how to love, how to seethe with anger and still love, etc. However, the biggest lesson by far that I have learned is to accept the fact that control is an illusion as your kids get older. Control is an illusion in life as most of us have experienced-as we have tried to "change" an ugly relationship or job-only to realize that the forces at hand are literally out of our reach. I experience this all the time in my profession-dealing with people whose job struggles are exacerbated by the fact that they refuse to accept the jerk down the hall is incapable of reigning in his yelling outbursts simply because "everyone hates it.." or the woman next door is unfriendly to you because you remind her of her ex best friend. You can't steer someone else's ship of melodrama-nor should you want to. You either play the game or you choose not to partake in the craziness of non acceptance.

I know some parents who will have a real struggle with this one..the anal retentive types who need to have the house "just so" and their children act "just so"-especially in front of other people. Our sons are now older teens-these are the years where they venture off to parts unknown with all types of influence..the biggest being drugs, sex and rock and roll. Do I worry? Of course. I am a champion in this arena. I think that this characteristic clicks on after that baby pops out. I have had to grow immensely in this regard-one of our sons is an "embrace life and experience it all" type of guy..he has been since birth. The type of kid who I could have put on a plane, alone, to the Antarctic at the age of two and he would have loved it. There are times that I marvel at his joy de vivre..as I am going crazy with his volcanic energy at the same time. So far, so good. No major bad mojo has come our way, and he is turning out to be a pretty responsible adult. I think, though, when you have an over the top child, you are then forced into a mode of learning to let go quicker, as the wild stallion is bucking at the gate of your insecurity corral.. It is so easy when they are small in some respects, you are their universe. You have complete control over their world. Sure, you can give them little choices like "What do you want to wear today?" but, the big decisions will made when they are older and you are not around. Then, the universe widens (as it should) and the venturing out begins. Nothing spells relief as much as hearing the car pull safely into the driveway as you feign nonchalance. "Of course I trust you." You have to mean this..and until they give you a reason not to-thats all you've got.

When they are out and about and as number two son prepares for college, I see now, more crystalline  than ever, how one must trust the foundation that was laid down for them during childhood. You can't control the emotions when they have their first break up, or choose to do something stupid that can involve the police. Never say never-the most compliant little kid can turn into a recalcitrant adolescent who speaks in one word utterances. I am learning to enjoy the ride between bouts of angst, pride,
crazy states of anxiety and the full spectrum of emotions in between. Control is exhausting, and who cares if the colors don't match exactly, or the haircut is weird, or any other shard of little BS crud we women obsess over. Be thankful for health and the ability to let it go..if at least for now.