To the Kiosk Vendors of Valley Fair

They see me coming. I'm the target. I know it. I brace myself. Here it comes, here it comes...

"Can I talk to you for just one moment?"

"Hello, I have some nice organic soap for you..."

"Miss! Miss! MISS!"

I whisk my cell phone out of my pocket and pretend to talk, ignoring the pleas for my attention.

I will not talk to you for a moment.
I do not want to buy some nice organic soap.
I will not look your way, but thank you for calling me Miss!

To the kiosk vendors of Valley Fair:  Please let me be!

Whenever I go to Westfield Valley Fair shopping mall, it's always with a little bit of dread. While mall shopping isn't really my thing (I prefer to support local events like my friend Carla's Winter Wonderland sale), I do make the rounds of kid stores, trying to pick up basics for my boys. I know what I want, I know how to shop and I don't need to be aggressively engaged to look at merchandise I don't want to buy.  If I'm in the market for something, believe me, I'm on it. When I need to buy a flat iron or a new cell phone, I will come to you. For a while, I tried just smiling back and saying "no thank you" but now, it's just getting ridiculous. I hate feeling put on the spot - it feels so uncomfortable. I feel the same way about doorbell solicitors. That kind of approach just doesn't work with me.

The last time I was flagged down by a kiosk vendor, I marched over to the Information Desk at the mall and asked about their policy on kiosk vendors. I was told that they can only engage you if you make eye contact with them. That's good, but I think they need to redefine eye contact as being something more specific than gazing somewhat in their direction. If I'm walking down the mall and my gaze wanders over to the Sees Candy store and you, dear kiosk vendor, are in my line of sight, that doesn't mean I am looking at you. (Gee, I had this same problem way back in my nightclubbing days. I was looking at my friend, not you sweaty guy.)

Allowing yourself to be lulled into a demo at one of those kiosks is akin to responding to spam. They do it because sometimes, it pays off. My mom's friend recently purchased hundreds of dollars of sea salt beauty products she didn't know she needed until she made eye contact with one of the kiosk vendors. (Mrs. K, you look great!) All they have to do is get you to stop at their kiosk and the deal is halfway done. You're probably gonna buy something. Sure, they do have some neat stuff. (I check out the Crocs kiosk whenever I'm there; that's one vendor whose salespeople are not obnoxious.) I just don't like to be aggressively pitched products. It's annoying.

As an occasional mall going suburban mom, I don't have time to deal with pushy vendors. I just want to go through the mall as I wish. I see your kiosk, I see your wares but I'm not stopping there today. Please, just let me be.

I've really grown tired of feeling defenseless against these retail piranhas. So I've developed my own tools for avoiding detection.

They are:

#1 Avoid Eye Contact (don't even gaze in their direction)

#2 Pretend to talk on your cell phone (feels stupid, but works every time)

#3 Talk on your cell phone (call anyone)

#4 Embed yourself within a crowd (hide in the herd!)

#5 Wait until they target someone else, then walk briskly past (sucker!)

#6 Walk along opposite side of where kiosk salesperson is standing (on tiptoe is best)

#7 Take the peaceful back route (there are very few vendors along the Nordstrom - Williams-Sonoma side of the mall)

#8 Act distracted by your kid (Sorry, chasing my 2-year-old!)

#9 Pretend to be searching for something in your bag (Stale Cheerios, there they are!)

#10 Walk while holding your keys (like you're heading to your car)

And for emphasis, let me repeat: NEVER MAKE EYE CONTACT. If you do, you might just find yourself carting home an expensive bag of sea salt beauty products.

Original post to Silicon Valley Moms Blog.

Akemi also blogs at Mad About Multiples.