My First Brush With A Little Teenager ‘Tude

So, my girls are almost 5 years old. Coincidentally, the years of experience I have had with raising children is almost 5 years.  ;-)  So when we vacationed with 3 teenagers this last week, including my 15-year-old nephew, I was a bit at a loss at times. They’re not children (as they’ll certainly point out) and they’re not adults (no drinking jokes or otherwise…yet). They can do a lot of things for themselves that almost-5-year-olds can’t – and they’d prefer to, apparently – but I just can’t control that mommy in me. In fact, at one point, I commented to my nephew, “Yea, I know. I’m sounding like your mom instead of your aunt.” To which, he just grinned.

There were 4 families with us for a few days (not at the same time) at a cabin in Lake Tahoe. During the first half of the week, two families stayed with us. One of the families included the other two teenagers – one a freshman in college, the other was another 15-year-old (a girl). There were also my twin almost-5-year-old girls and a 6-year-old girl. During the second half of the week, a couple different families stayed with us (with children around our twins’ age). When we were dividing up the beds and rooms, I thought that it would be fine for my 15-year-old nephew to sleep in the same room as my twin girls.

“That won’t work,” commented Mel, the mom of the two teenage girls. “Trust me,” she said.

“Well, I don’t want to make your girls leave that room,” I replied, “That doesn’t seem fair.” Her teenage girls were going to share a queen bed in a single room.

“Believe me, it’s better this way,” replied Mel. “If there’s one thing I know, it’s teenagers.”

Hmmmm…OK. My mind set was that Greg, my 15-year-old nephew, was here with us, so he’d be happy to stay wherever we put him. Moreover, in any ski cabin we’ve rented, we’ve always just split up rooms and beds as they seemed to fit…but we were all adults. We’re dealing with teenagers here and I know they are completely different animals. I bowed to Mel’s longer experience and wisdom. I mean, it can’t have been (or still isn’t) easy raising a couple girls. Her girls are smart, level-headed and pretty darn nice, so I figured she knew a few things I could learn…especially in dealing with the teenage set.

Everything was perfectly fine for a few days until I got it into my head that I didn’t really know my nephew very well. I mean, I know of him from my parents and my brother (his dad). I see him during the holidays or on short visits to San Diego when we visit my parents. But those times are infrequent and even then, we never really talk. I don’t know who his friends are, what he does in his free time, how school is going, what his pastimes are, what he’d like to do when he grows up, etc., etc., etc. I was thinking, gosh, I haven’t really showed him how much I care about him. When did I ever ask him about his daily life? His likes? His dislikes? So, I asked him.

“So Greg, who are your friends? Who do you hang out with?” I asked as we were both sitting at the dinner table just hanging out.

A look of Huh? (what’d she say?) followed immediately by disbelief (she didn’t really ask me that, did she?), then disdain (how dare she ask me that!) and, “It doesn’t work that way,” replied Greg.

Completely at a loss, “What do you mean ‘it doesn’t work that way’?” I said.

“I’m not a girl,” he said.

Huh? My turn to look confused. I replied, “OK. Then educate me. What should we talk about? I’m just trying to find out a little about you like what your friends are like. Do they play football with you? Wrestling? What’s your day like? What do you do for fun?”

A little resignation in his face (but only a little) and he said, “Yea. Some are from football. Some are from wrestling. Some are not.” Silence.

Then he says, “What do you do all day? Who are your friends? What do you do for fun?” Attitude. Big time. Just reading the words doesn’t seem like much, I know. But it was the way he asked me those questions and the appearance of payback in his eyes…as if to throw my questions back in my face…as if to say, how do you like being harrassed with questions like these.  Geez, is this what I have to look forward to in a few years? At that point, my buddy, Trevor (the dad from one of the other families), starts asking questions about his school. To which Greg answers quite conversationally. No attitude. Just talk. I get up and grab a drink. I insert my own questions during their conversation.

And here I thought it would be nice to get to know him…one-on-one…without the chaos the usual visits entail during a short trip to San Diego. Here I thought it might be nice to chat with just him, without being interrupted by whatever our girls were up to or the usual disruptions when several relatives are about. Instead, he thought I was just being nosy and silly. He’s not a girl after all and since I don’t live in San Diego, what difference does it make if he told me about them. I’d never meet them anyway.  <heavy sigh>

I told my husband about our stilted conversation later that night. He laughed. Gosh, is it a man thing and not a teenage thing? Maybe it’s a combination of both – a double whammy. Maybe it’s just that I haven’t been a part of his daily life in San Diego. Maybe he feels I’m as much of a stranger to him as I was feeling about him. Maybe my knowing of him from afar, secondhand, is enough for him and should be enough for me. He’s my nephew and that family bond won’t ever go away…but maybe it doesn’t entitle me to make myself a part of his life through conversation. But it did make me ponder one thing – how important it will be to keep the communications lines open and discussions frequent with my own girls, especially during their teenage years. We won’t be strangers living in the same household, I couldn’t stand it. Luckily, my friend, Mel, has already given me a few pieces of great advice from her experiences. I’m sure I’ll need more.

Original Silicon Valley Moms Blog post.

While MommyTwinGirls fears the coming of the teen years, you can find her at It's Never Easy But It's Always Fun, recounting the unique challenges and joys of raising her twins at Mad About Multiples and posting samples of her work from her latest photo shoots at Solheim Photography.