Silicon Valley Moms Blog

Play-Date Popularity

My older son asked me, "Did I ever have a playdate?"

It was an interesting question, and I wondered why is he asking now?

I fumbled around a bit with an answer about playgroups when he was a toddler, but that how now he goes to soccer practice so plays with kids there. "And when your brother goes to gymnastics, you play your DS with those other boys." I didn't tell him that his toddler playgroup eventually re-formed without him. I didn't tell him about how he was expelled from his first preschool. Or how he was asked to leave his first Kindergarten. I didn't remind him that we had moved to a new school district specifically so he could have better support and a "fresh start."

"Oh, remember how 'Dave' came over last year?" I suddenly remembered. He had been so excited about his indoor soccer buddy's visit that he wrote about it during a first-grade writing assignment. Since he finished second grade last week, I guess it really has been awhile since he had a playdate.

STAR Tests and the Shortened School Year

April showers might bring May flowers, but they also bring STAR tests. My second-grade son is experiencing these for the first time this month, although there has been enough preparation throughout the year that it seems the actual tests are merely a formality.

It occurred to me as he skipped off to take his two-week long test that the instruction for the school year essentially ended in mid-April. After Spring Break, the kids had about a week or two of "usual" second-grade curriculum with homework, and then two weeks of "Practice STAR Tests," inches of stapled paperwork that asked simple questions like "1 + 1" and "What color is the sky?" (Is it a coincidence that my son had major behavioral trouble during the week in which they really hunkered down with these extremely simple questions?)

After STAR, the school puts on "Open House." Of course June then brings school plays, field trips, picnics, and other "wrap-up" activities. So, yes, second grade essentially finishes two months before summer vacation begins.

April Was Autism Awareness Month

April came and went. I said nary a word about Autism Awareness Month. What a bad "autism mom" I am! Other "autism parents" have thrown their efforts into walking for "awareness" or donating to their favorite charities for the purpose of a "cure."

But a "cure" isn't really "awareness." In fact, it would be much nicer if the buzzword were "acceptance" not "awareness." Plus, I can't help thinking that many of the folks who are truly impacted by autism don't have the time, energy, or child-care options to throw themselves into the various public events surrounding autism unless it is the quite literal bringing one's child into a public place with the resulting tsk-tsk of those disapproving parents of perfect children.

Many aspects of parenthood divide people (breast versus bottle, working mom versus stay-at-home, to name a couple) and the population of parents of "special-needs" kids are no different. Consider a recent episode of House where the Deaf Pride versus cochlear implant controversy was raised. Of course I'm not one to think television is reality because I felt pretty slapped in the face by Grey's Anatomy's portrayal of Asperger's, but the existence of these struggles remain, even if the details are fictionalized.

The truth is that there are many "camps" within the autism community. Just the concept of an "autism community" is rather inaccurate, as kids on the spectrum are as different from each other as they are as compared to any other kids.  I've felt snubbed by the general public, but I've also felt alienated and uncomfortable amongst other parents whose children are on the spectrum.

Shamrock Santa

My youngest son loves to steal my soda. I'm a carbonation-addict, so always have one by my computer. This morning, I remembered taking a few sips as I made the boys' breakfast and packed their lunches, but then the can was gone. Of course I knew who to suspect, but he responded with, "Well, Mommy, the leprechauns probably took it."

Ah yes. St. Patrick's Day may have been over on Tuesday, but the leprechaun tales continue.

"Do you think my school cleaned up all the green footprints?" he wondered yesterday morning before we went off to preschool. Later he explained that everything was back in order. Nothing was missing. No green footprints or smears on the seats of chairs. "It sure was a big, big mess," he explained, "But my classroom is all nice again." He scrunched his face, "Until the next Green Day!"

Last year, my oldest son had to make an elaborate leprechaun trap as a homework assignment. I'd like to get the hours that took back in my life.

Since when has St. Patrick's Day become so BIG in the bay area?

Perfect Attendance

California finally passed its state budget in February. While this was a relief, it also signaled some major education cuts. Teachers, parents, and administrators have huddled together to try to find ways to prioritize "needs" versus "wants." 

Parents of special education students fear further cuts in services. The community I lived in just a couple years ago has only one speech pathologist for five elementary schools, and one occupational therapist who is on a "three weeks on, one week off" schedule. That particular district is in the midst of trying to mash together "special day classes" to preserve the already thin resources. These kids will now have even less individualized attention.

While I am thankful that we "escaped" to a district where resources are more plentiful, I can't help but look backwards to the friends in the district we left, and forwards to what might happen to our district in the event that parents can no longer bridge the gap between the district's needs and the state's contribution. One wealthy neighboring school district focuses all its dollars on educating the "neurotypical" kids; providing them "enrichment activities" and other such things, while keeping special education a non-priority. They end up spending more in attorneys' fees defending their priorities than they would have needed to spend on the plaintiff's child in the first place. I hope our district doesn't go down the same road.

Yes, there is focus on test scores, and how those might contribute to the coffers. The ripples of that emphasis require its own brainstorming session. But another variable that educators have focused on recently has been attendance. Each student absence costs the school money, as it is daily attendance that determines state contribution.

It seems like a simple formula, but the implications are much more complex.

Who's Afraid of a Second Grader?

During my first stint as yard duty, I realized I didn't have as much authority as I should have. Of course this meant that for my second go-around, I wanted to convey plenty.

I positioned myself near the monkey bars and slides. The apparatus gave me plenty of opportunity to exclaim "One way on the bars!" and "Don't climb up the slide; only slide down!" I was friendly, but it also seemed as though I was a bit of a nag. I felt pretty small as the 5'3" person that I am. (Okay, I am 5'2 and three-quarters.) Some of those kids are very tall.

"I'm not here to be their friend. I'm here to be an authority figure," I kept telling myself.

At one point, I headed over to the curly-slide. Lots of kids from the special-day classes were using the slide, so my tongue tied as I tried to determine what to say. "Don't climb up the slide; only slide down!" with a cheerful smile brought no response. I started using their names, but still a friendly voice. My pleas were pretty dreadful, "Hey John, you really need to slide all the way down so that Susie can go down, too!" ... "Please John, it is time to let Susie go down. Go down the slide."

Autism, Vaccines, and the Environment

I registered my youngest son for Kindergarten yesterday. Amongst the large stack of paperwork was that dreaded blue CA School Immunization Record. Last time I filled this out was shortly after my oldest son was expelled from a private school, two weeks into Kindergarten. He ended up in the public school system, and with it, required that blue card. For him, I had to draw in additional boxes to accommodate the extra vaccine doses he had been given.

Just the opposite happened with my youngest son. I filled out the form, but gaps remained. I knew he was behind on a couple doses, but I was shocked that he was apparently behind in his Hep-B by two doses. Fortunately, I realized this was in error because of the way the vaccines had been listed; but the school official, my HMO, and I didn't catch this until later. I imagine my HMO wouldn't have batted an eye if I brought in my son for his "missing" doses. In reality, he has an extra dose rather than being two doses behind.

My son's doctor has recommended he receive several other vaccines not required by the school system. But I don't trust Kaiser.

Spread Some Holiday Cheer to Shut-Ins

I've felt "ready" for the holidays for awhile. I was one of those folks who put decorations up the weekend after Thanksgiving and postmarked my holiday cards for December 1st.  There was plenty of chaos during the last week of school before vacation, thanks to in-class parties and holiday diorama making, but in my mind the final days before Christmas were going to be fairly quiet, spent at home with my kids. I figured I had thought of everything.

Of course "quiet at home with kids" doesn't really happen, but there was something major that slipped my radar: my grandmother.

My mom phoned me last night to let me know my grandma was very sad because she hadn't seen any "little children" recently. She has a festive Christmas tree, thanks to my parents. She has beautiful flowers all over her room, thanks to various relatives. She has photographs of grandchildren and of great-grandchildren. But the only people she sees on a regular basis are the hospice nurse, the nursing home attendants, and my parents.

No little children.

Yard Duty

My best friend and I used to play "Hot Lava" in the third grade. You know the one: don't you dare touch the tanbark, or you're "out." Of course, The Leader could specify a number of "safe" steps, in case the jaunt from one structure to the next was simply too wide to jump. Walking on the beams lining the playground and jumping onto the various bars, slides, or poles wasn't enough, though. The Leader would also take us across the monkey bars, explaining we'd have to skip every other bar, or other challenging move. It was tons of fun.

Inevitably, though, The Leader's requests would catch the eye of The Yard Duty.

Our Yard Duty was the same woman every year for our tenure at elementary school. Short, wide, dark-rimmed glasses, and seldom a smile. She had a shiny whistle around her neck, but nothing else about her was shiny. 

She was the killjoy. She told us we couldn't jump so far. We had to do the monkey bars without skipping. We couldn't leap from the top of the climbing structure to the middle of the next ramp. She was no fun.

Well, I have become The Yard Duty.

Aspergers in Grey's Anatomy: Rainman Returns

I had high hopes for Mary McDonnell's three-episode-arc character Dr. Virginia Dixon on Grey's Anatomy. I thought, "It will be great to see someone a little quirky take on the already strange social scene at Seattle Grace." Unfortunately, when the episode aired, I was disappointed. Instead of a brilliant cardiac surgeon who happens to have Aspergers, Dr. Dixon is a very impaired Rainman-like stereotype of autism.

While the words I write about autism are read by a couple hundred people, and the words other parents may write about similar topics might be read by a few thousand people, Grey's Anatomy has viewers in the millions.

While from my perspective, there are tons of books about various spectrum-related topics out there, in truth the whole concept is still new to many people. The autism community is very much an ecochamber with only "famous" folks like Jenny McCarthy to put a face on autism for the general public. The information that becomes mainstream is limited. Autism is not binary: it is a spectrum, after all. Autism is not black and white: there are many 'causes' and many 'cures'.

Dr. Virginia Dixon reinforces the stereotype of autism that so many of us are trying to get away from. We want the public perception of autistic spectrum disorders to become more realistic.