Silicon Valley Moms Blog

I'll have the champagne, the halibut...and a label maker

Yesterday I awoke to the following:

Isaac: I want to play on the computer!

J [stage whisper]:  Okay, Bean, go wish your Mommy a happy Mother's Day, then you can play on the computer.
[poundpoundpoundpoundpound down the hall]

Isaac: Happy Mother's Day, Mommy!

Me: Thank you sweetie! Can I have a hug?

Isaac: No.  [Hugs me].
[poundpoundpoundpoundpound back down the hall]

Isaac: Step one, say Happy Mother's Day to Mommy!  Step two, play on the computer!

I fell back to sleep until 9:40.  Bliss.

Getting things fun

Right before Isaac was formally diagnosed, I was invited to a going-away party for a wonderful Floortime therapist we'd met. Everyone there was very kind, but I really felt like the newbie: surrounded by mothers who openly referred to their kids as "autistic," I cringed every time I heard the word.

At a certain point, someone kindly asked to see a photo of my son. I pulled it out of my purse, and she murmured how handsome he was. So I asked to see a picture of hers, and she produced a photo of a very cute five- or six-year-old boy grinning through a cascade of golden curls. "Wow, his hair is amazing," I said, smiling as I handed it back to her. "Yeah," she answered ruefully, "We have to use everything we've got." I left feeling unbelievably depressed.

When it comes to play, kids on the autism spectrum can have a hard time. The sensory demands, the social cues, the innate understanding of how a toy is supposed to be used or a game to be played--can be a challenge for kids who perceive the world differently from us. But over time, I've learned how to listen (okay, not always, but work with me here) and keep things moving. And it helps that Isaac is a lot more relaxed, regulated and engaged as he's grown older. At almost five, he's finally opening himself up to play.

Autism: Are you aware yet?

April 1 marks the first day of Autism Awareness Month, and the media are ablaze with story after story after OpEd  after story about autism's mysteries, controversies and neurological underpinnings.  CNN has been particularly active, launching a series this month entitled Autism: Unraveling the Mystery.  And there's a lot to unravel, with no assurance that you will end up with anything more than a crushing headache and a big pile of yarn in your lap. 

As someone who writes about autism almost daily, I am struck by the themes that emerge when you look at the news coverage as a whole.  CNN, who clearly made an editorial commitment to cover autism in depth this month, is taking an all-encompassing viewpoint, spanning the medical, scientific, cultural, familial and social implications of the disorder, with commentary, links and video in addition to straight news reporting.  It's cogent and thorough. 

It's also a fascinating time capsule into the current state of our cultural attitudes and assumptions about autism. 

Blame it on the Thunder Burp

Earlier this week, NPR broadcast a story by Alix Spiegel on the relationship between imaginative play and self-regulation in children. The theory, based on work by Howard Chudacoff, a cultural historian at Brown University, holds that the nature of play has changed dramatically in the last century, from imaginative, fluid and active to more narrow, rule-based and focused on toys. "It's interesting to me that when we talk about play today, the first thing that comes to mind are toys," says Chudacoff. "Whereas when I would think of play in the 19th century, I would think of activity rather than an object."

Chudacoff points out a number of other factors that have dramatically altered the nature of play in the last century: the growing concern for safety, and an increasing thirst for achievement among the middle class.  He argues that this decrease in imaginative, unstructured play correlates to a reduction in children's ability to self-regulate, which is critical to emotional development and, yes, success. 

Those of us who have children with special needs or learning differences have often been sensitized to the importance of play.  In fact, "Delays or abnormal functioning in...symbolic and imaginative play" is one of the diagnostic criteria for autism, according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV), a tome with which I am all too familiar.

The Kindergarten Dance

Just when you start to ease into the preschool groove (if you are so lucky), it's time to start thinking about Kindergarten. Now I'll put down good money that our parents didn't experience the same agita about this; in fact, I hazard a guess they were a little, well...relieved when we finally toddled off with our cartoon lunchboxes in hand. But then we are the culture of fear generation, aren't we?

And then, for some of us, there's the special needs thing. Inclusion? Medical support? Special Day? Geographically possible? Is he/she ready? Public or private? Will she/he get in? What can we afford? There's a potential spin-out around every corner (especially in my city, where the process seems to have been designed by a group of experts in medieval torture).

So I went to another kindergarten tour the other day. We're looking both at "independent" (read: private) and public schools since, well, we're masochists and want to know exactly what is is we won't be able to afford. I have to admit I was pretty intimidated at the first tour, unsure of whether to "out" ourselves and take the chance that we'd be remembered as the family that will be FAR TOO MUCH WORK TO ACCOMMODATE, rather than the helpfully candid, friendly and reasonable sorts that we are. So I asked the dreaded question, but wasn't sure if it was really the right thing to do. And, well, here's how that turned out.

How to Lose Friends and Influence, People

So I open my email this morning to discover that I now have one less friend than I did yesterday. On Facebook. Turns out my friend Jordan saw yesterday's NYT article about Facebook's new advertising strategy; that they plan to sell "ads that display people’s profile photos next to commercial messages that are shown to their friends about items they purchased or registered an opinion about," and she packed up and got outta Dodge.  [In case you're wondering what happens when someone de-activates their Facebook account, it's like they never existed.  Photos, profile, everything, down to the two sweet wall posts she left on my profile. Sad.] 

Here's what she had to say:

Hi All - I just deactivated my Facebook account. I've totally enjoyed our silliness with it and all, and it was a good experiment to see what it's all about (as much as anyone in their 30s can actually understand that!), but I am too cynical to think it's not just a way to use our information for other purposes. Here's an article from today's NYT that prompted me to go ahead and cancel. Sorry! xo, Jordan

Autism: The Musical

Tuesday night, I sat in a tiny, packed theater filled with nervous, emotional parents of kids with autism. I don't think any of us knew what to expect, from the movie or ourselves.  A musical?  About autism?  THAT sounds fun.  I've been trying to collect my thoughts ever since.

In brief, the story goes like this: Elaine Hall, adoptive mother of an autistic Russian boy, decides to re-enter the workforce and do what she loves and knows best: help children with autism express themselves. She founds the Miracle Project, a program to engage with kids through drama, music and movement. Autism: The Musical is the story of those kids.  It follows Hall and the kids as they navigate through the process of interacting with each other, writing the musical and, ultimately, performing it in front of an audience of family and friends.

What can I say? It was one of the most moving, honest portrayals of the impact of autism that I've seen. Each child and each family was finely drawn, and allowed to express the full range of their feelings:

Get The Lead Out!

This recent wave of lead-related toy recalls makes me a little nuts...but it's a good reminder that toys are by no means the only lead hazard that children are exposed to. Before my son was born, we had our house tested for lead paint, so we'd know exactly which window sills were poisonous should he choose to snack on them. We did it in the hope we were simply being paranoid and overprotective, but now, nearly five years later, we see that the paranoia has paid off: we've evacuated a whole vlillage of toys (and honestly...have we gotten them all?)

The CDC has finally twigged to the fact that this horror show is a GREAT opportunity to educate the American public on what exactly constitutes a lead hazard. Today I received an email alerting me to the fact that "the CDC estimates nearly half a million children living in the U.S. have blood lead levels high enough to cause significant damage to their health." And what do you do when a health crisis looms? That's right: name a week after it.

Rethinking My Vote

Most everything I know about politics I learned from watching Jon Stewart and The West Wing.  I admit it, I'm not wonky that way, and the Sportscenteresque political coverage annoys me.  Who cares if more people approve of Mitt Romney today than yesterday?  And let's just say that I have a pretty good idea of how the sausage is made, and it's not pretty.  Policy changes follow polls, positions shift on a dime, mud is slung and re-slung, and I have as good an idea of who Angelina Jolie really is as I do the candidates (I take that back: I have to admire someone who tattoos the birthplaces of her children on her body.  Now that's commitment.)

So I was curious to meet Elizabeth Edwards at the BlogHer '07 conference in Chicago, and even more curious to meet her again with my fellow Silicon Valley Moms on Saturday.  She was warm, personable, genuine, and deeply thoughtful about things that I care about: education, health care, sure, but mostly: people.

As the parent of a child with special needs, I am intimately touched by all these issues.  Education, because my son's current program just...doesn't...work.  Don't get me wrong: the teachers are committed and talented, and they genuinely seem to care about my kid.  But school starts at 9:20 and ends at 12:20,

Uh-Oh, I'm Having an Identity Crisis

Hey guess what!  I just bought an iPhone.  For someone I have never met.  Why would I do such a thing, you ask?  Was it generosity?   Random act of retail kindness?  Nope, none of that.  In fact, I had no idea I had done it at all until I saw an unfamiliar $400+ charge on my bank statement yesterday, and thus began a thrilling afternoon of closing bank accounts, making tons of phone calls (including the Apple store, which, I suspect, has seen this particular issue once or twice before) and generally bemoaning the sorry state of humanity.  (Duh, stupid identity-stealing person--don't buy a phone--it's like attaching a GPS to your ass. Haven't you seen The Wire?)

So, for any of you who have not been through this particular species of hell (and there are currently over 165 million of us whose data has been breached in some form or fashion, according to Privacy Rights Clearinghouse, a consumer advocacy organization), I offer Susan's Steps to Surviving Identity Theft: 

1. Make or buy yourself a nice cup of coffee.  It's gonna be a long afternoon.  I recommend