Silicon Valley Moms Blog

A Bittersweet Preschool graduation and No More Babies

My little guy is all smiles on the stage (what a ham!).  He shakes and grooves his body along with the tempo.  "A mon chéri" muses grandmère, sitting by my side, basking in the glow of grandmotherly adoration.  My older daughter is busy filming the preschool graduation ceremony.  The children have just received their diplomas.  And they are wrapping up the production with some last minute dancing and singing.  On cue, I cry. 

I began REALLY crying.  I can't stop the floodworks.

I'm ashamed to admit the tears aren't entirely brought on because of this major milestone, my 5 year old son's preschool graduation.  An hour earlier, my doctor delivered some shocking news:

Basically, I'm as barren as the Sahara Desert, he informs me.  (Some routine lab work uncovers it--no more babies for me.)

Sex after baby? That's just crazy!

A former co-worker turned close friend called me recently to discuss motherhood.  She had a gorgeous baby boy six months ago and recently returned to work.  I figured when she said she needed my advice that she’d be asking about how to pump at work or quick and easy dinner recipes.

Oh no.  She wanted to talk about sex.  Or rather, wanted to know when she’d be interested in sex again.  She was exhausted from nursing, exhausted from working full-time, and exhausted from life in general.  Sex was just one more thing on her “to-do” list and she didn’t care if that got checked off.

Sex after a baby?  Now that’s just crazy.

Could I have had her baby?

I have a friend who, like me, went through agonizing years of infertility. Mine ended in my son Zachary through IVF,  followed by the double whammy of my two girls conceived of naturally just 18 months a part after that.  Three babies in four years. Whew. Blessed overwhelmingness.  Hers, instead, ended in endless failed attempts at staying pregnant, and then a vigorous double pursuit of her own child by a surrogate and the adoption of a child from a foreign orphange. The surrogate backed out. The orphanage came through, twice. Two brothers they now proudly parent.

Though she was on the East Coast, she was pursuing surrogacy in California, which apparently offers more flexibility in dealing with surrogacy than her home state did. Since I was in Palo Alto, we talked frequently during her visits of her process, its ups and downs, its “gotcha’s” around every corner. The surrogate’s psychological tests weren’t favorable. The next surrogate changed her mind just before the final stages. It was in these days that my friend, hit rock bottom emotionally. It was unbelievably sad to hear how so much disappointment could be shouldered by one person, two when you include her heroic husband who weathered it all with her, in such a brief time period.

Divide and Conquer - the motto for our family of five

My husband and I have never had the experience of having two parents for one child, having started our family with twins. I remember when the twins, B and L (now 4-years-old), were about 19-months-old, we were on vacation in Tahoe with some friends. Our friends had a daughter the same age as the twins and had just had a new baby. We felt like we had finally made it over the hump of twin babyhood. That weekend, the twins slept in until 8am! After swimming at the Northstar rec center, where we were staying, B and L sat on a picnic blanket - by themselves! - and ate PB&J sandwiches - by themsleves! - while J and I just looked on. Wow. About a month later, we found out we were pregnant with #3. Surprise....

It was a happy surprise, one that I had always wished to have. The surprise of finding out you're pregnant when you least expect it. Personally, I never dreamed about what my wedding would be like as a young girl, but I did think about

Baby on the brain

Since Darius was born, I've been saying that he would be an only child.  And if not an only child forever, at least for a very very long time.  I was 26 when D was born - and in Silicon Valley, I felt like a teenage mother.  The women in my office and the women in my mother's club were, on average, 10 years older than me.  Darius was a surprise pregnancy.  My birth control failed after an antibiotic interaction.  10 days on penicillin and wha-la my precious baby was conceived.  So needless to say, we weren't in a phase of our lives where we really thinking about children.  We wanted to travel, to live through our twenties as care-free young adults, to pursue our careers.   And while my son has changed most of that picture, I didn't want to jump into my "baby-making" phase of life just because we made a baby.  One was enough, thank you.  I didn’t need to start having more.

I have held steadfast to my opinion that we wouldn't have more children until my spouse finished grad school and Darius was in school.  Until now. For the last month I have daydreamed about getting pregnant.  I have this fantasy about it.  About quitting work and staying at home for a year to nest and make a family.  About staying fit and having a clean house.  And doing crafts with the kids and going to the park.  And having a clean house.  Like I said, it's a fantasy.

Wanted:Inner Sex Goddess

Has anyone seen my inner sex goddess?   I lost her some where along the way after getting pregnant.  She doesn't seem to exist anymore.  I have been missing her lately and searching high and low.

My husband and I are ready for baby #2 but how can you have a baby when you have no sex drive?  Getting pregnant is never fun.  Well, it can be lots of fun but it is always so planned that the fun seems to disappear quickly after month one.  We both want it so bad but we can seem to find our inner sex god/goddess.

First of all, when you have a child, sex is hardly

Rose Garden Couple Expecting Sextuplets

Not sure if you all caught the media coverage on this local, Silicon Valley couple awhile back, but I heard about Brian and Gracie Soldani's situation on the Willow Glen e-list just last week. In trying to have their first child, they ended up expecting six, which I heard would make them the country's 16th set of sextuplets. My world was totally turned up side down with one baby, so I can’t even imagine all the challenges medically, physically, emotionally, and financially they have ahead. In thier case especially, I think it really will "take a village." The official diaper drive just ended, but you can see their baby registry and other ways to help on their website. Forget the Bugaboo how about the Runabout 6-seater for only $1600!

A Salute to Single Women Over 30

I've been spending a little more time lately with a few of my single women friends - because they're good friends and I enjoy being with them and I refuse to not spend time with them just because they don't fit the same demographic I do... and every time I go to an event where the majority of people in the room are couples, I admire the courage of the single women who attend solo.  I think that takes an extra level of self-confidence.  On top of that, those who are in their thirties have an extra challenge if they want to become moms, so I want to salute single women today.

These close women friends of mine are incredibly brilliant, beautiful, talented, capable and fun.  There's nothing wrong with them except possibly that they have high standards and haven't settled for less than they want (in nearly every case, they've been very close to getting married but it just didn't work out.)  Most of the people who read this blog are married with children and we tend to forget the dilemma of the single woman, but for those in their thirties and forties, they tend to fit the following molds:

- Childless and not interested in having children but would like to eventually find a life partner (I realize that being single is not a bad thing; it can be incredibly liberating and fun, but most people still want a partner in some respect)
- Childless, feeling the clock ticking but want to find the right person before having a kid (and usually willing to undergo fertility treatments at that point)
- Clock's ticking and they're willing to settle for less than they want in order to have a child before it's too late
- Willing to go solo to have a kid, no matter what it takes and look at that as a separate issue from finding a life partner
- Already have kid(s) from a previous relationship or encounter but seeking a mate and possibly another child

Apparently Madonna wants to adopt another child from Africa, and here's why I don't care.

Well, “don’t care” is harsh. I care about the welfare of the child she will bring into her family, but I don’t care about any of the controversy.

I am, however, excited as a schoolgirl that adoption is getting so much attention in the media. People are talking about it. People are thinking about it. It is mainstream! These are all good things.

What’s next?

We now need more celebrities to start talking about having done IVF. Having used donor eggs or donor sperm to conceive. Having used a surrogate. There are so many non-“traditional” ways of bringing kids into the world and into your family and they all need more attention.

Can you imagine a day when all of these methods are commonplace? Well, they are commonplace now – but do we really talk about them? Nope.

Apparently we are a society obsessed with celebrities. So let’s use that! We can get them to do public service announcements for anti-smoking campaigns. Why can’t they talk about the way the built their family?

Use your voice like we do

Bloggers do this every day, but most of us don’t have the reach of your average movie or TV star. Celebrities have great access to the media, so I want them to use it. Go ahead, make crappy movies that go straight to video, but if you live your life out loud I will respect you for it.

So come on celebrities. Talk. Want to go on Oprah to do it? Fine, whatever it takes. But let some of your “secrets” out and I’ll respect you for it.

Who’s with me?

Plain Jane Mom lives in the Bay Area with her husband and 3 sons, Mike (almost 5), Robbie (4) and Chip (2). For stories of life with the boys, check out Plain Jane Mom.